Schemas: helpful and hurtful
Being the kinda nerd that I am, I’m currently reading the PhD researcher Kristin Neff’s insightful new book, “Fierce Self-Compassion”. My latest revelation from the book is her exploration of SCHEMAS. A schema is a set of internalized detailed steps and expectations for a situation. For example, a birthday party schema will generally include some sort of invitation, food and drinks for guests, conversation, a cake, and maybe presents. Schemas can be HELPFUL in that they save our brains the time and energy of recreating a template each time.
However, SCHEMAS CAN BE HURTFUL, especially because they operate UNCONSCIOUSLY and move us to interpret the world in a biased way, such as with gender, race, or skin color. The universe very generously (wink, wink) gave me an opportunity to experience someone else’s schema firsthand. At an educational non-profit fundraiser last week, I was about to say goodbye to the host, when an individual asked me, “What is your role at the non-profit?” After a brief pause, I responded without emotion, “Oh I don’t work for the non-profit, I’m here as a guest. But I often encounter mistakes like that because of my skin color.” He was silent for a minute while I spoke with the host, then apologized for his bias. We ended up having a 10-minute conversation about bias, stereotypes, and how to counteract them. When I asked how I might have shown up differently, aside from my skin color, so he wouldn’t have made that assumption, he could think of nothing. His advice: continue calling people out whenever bias like this happens.
My skin color triggered his schema of only white people being guests at this small, intimate fundraiser. When one has a schema in play, one is much more likely to ignore or distort information to be consistent with it. The gentleman did not notice my clothes, that I was holding a cocktail glass, or that I was hugging and chatting intimately with some of the other guests. Because schemas are often unconscious, one generally does not even realize how influential they can be.
I invite you to explore: do you have a schema that might be hurtful to others?
Warmly,
Bijal
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Bijal Choksi, MA, CHPC, ACC