Emotional Valence
Many of you know I grew up in New York, so the 20 year anniversary of 9/11 (how can it have been 20 years already?) is still a weight I’m carrying around, as well as a shadow over my feelings about NY.
This emotional charge of being drawn to or away from something is known in psychology as EMOTIONAL VALENCE. It’s referring to the intrinsic attractiveness (Positive Valence) or aversiveness (Negative Valence) of events, people, things, or situations.
(For my fellow science nerds, valence is a chemistry term describing the bonding of atoms; positive, if its own electrons are used in forming the bond, or negative, if another atom's electrons are used. For example, a carbon atom can share four of its electrons with other atoms and therefore has a valence of +4.)
On a lighter note, seeing the #1 ranked men’s tennis player, Novak Djokovic, lose his temper and smash his tennis racket on the ground at the US Open Finals on Sunday changed my emotional valence towards him (not that he cares what I think!) To counteract a negative emotional valence towards someone you may actually interact with, here is what I try to do:
Ground myself: even 30 seconds alone to breathe and get centered often changes the interaction, and makes me less reactive.
Lower my expectations: this has led to less disappointment when the other person has a pattern that hasn’t met previous expectations.
Internally recognize something positive about the person or situation: our minds can have a tendency to fixate on what is wrong, so counteract with something like, “He is always on time for meetings.”
Verbalize something I genuinely appreciate about the other person: Such as, “I love how you are able to say what’s on your mind regardless of who’s in the room.”
When relating to a situation or experience beyond your control, the key to shifting your emotional valence is to focus on the positive. What techniques do you use to reframe negative feelings?
Warmly,
Bijal
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Bijal Choksi, MA, CHPC, ACC