You know BFF, but do you know BIFF?
Do you find that hostilities are on the rise? Like a pressure cooker, this pandemic has built some tension in relationships. Whether it’s with a roommate or spouse with the increased time spent together, or with your boss or a coworker who always takes a contrarian opinion.
I’d like to suggest an alternative way to de-escalate tension that a counselor recently shared with me - B.I.F.F:
- BRIEF: Keep it short. To do this, you may need to pause for a few seconds to collect your thoughts before responding.
- INFORMATIVE: Use data, information and history instead of emotions or opinions,
Example: “Based on history, this Client seems to value innovation and has been receptive to ideas in the past.”
- FRIENDLY: Ramp up the empathy and stay friendly in a light way. I’ll admit this is hard for me when I feel attacked, especially when it is about a core value or a part of my identity, but what helps is naming the person with a light humorous name, such as “Contrarian Kelly” and remembering the person’s comments really have nothing to do with me at the end of the day. It is their own perception of the world and their circumstances that leads them to lash out in this way.
Examples: “Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this.” “I’m glad we have an environment where we are not all expected to think the same.”
- FIRM: Respectfully stop the back and forth. Find a way to end the conversation in a way that allows you to maintain your respect without completely cutting off the other person.
Examples: “We are not going to see eye-to-eye, but I value your friendship and am glad we have lots of other things we can connect over.” “I’d like to sit with your ideas and circle back with you after considering all the variables.”
To bottom-line it, keep your responses to hostile conversations brief, informative, friendly, and firm. If you try this technique, drop me a note to let me know whether it helped or not.
Warmly,
Bijal
The intent of these emails is to provide different perspectives, ideas, and insights as you navigate the path forward for yourself, your team, your organization, and your family.
Click here if you were forwarded this email and would like to sign up to receive my emails. You may unsubscribe at any time.
Bijal Choksi, MA, CHPC, ACC