How Can You Be A Comforter-in-Chief?
“We are not yet what we shall be.” These words, attributed to 16th-century theologian Martin Luther, highlight that we are all on a path of growth, that we can all strive to better ourselves.
I had the privilege to hear Sanyin Siang, founding executive director of Duke University's Fuqua/Coach K Leadership and Ethics Center (COLE) and a professor at Duke's Pratt School of Engineering, speak recently on how to be a Comforter-in-Chief. (Not a typo.) Read below for more details.
Highlights: People are experiencing sorrow over loss of loved ones, opportunities, savings, and more. Many grieve the loss of a way of life that they fear is forever gone. For the first time, individuals find themselves in the unusual role of Comforter-in-Chief. Some may argue that political and religious roles are better suited to the role of comforter. But we can all set the tone and create an environment for psychological safety, which in turn allows those around you to show up at their best.
I encourage you to be Comforter-in-Chief of your domain – whether that’s your team, your family, or your friend group. I’ve updated my title in my phone contact, and my outbound emails now show this title as a reminder to myself. Here are Sanyin’s suggestions for how to be a Comforter-in-Chief:
Lean into your discomfort. Take time to feel the ebb and flow of emotions—some of which you can’t yet name—and reflect on them. Your willingness to feel that discomfort and be vulnerable are key to your capacity to connect. You can’t be an effective comforter unless you understand what it’s like to need comfort and be comforted.
Avoid the problem-solving mindset. A fix-it attitude can't produce words of comfort. Grief is not fixable.Rather, as Edith Cooper, who helped lead Goldman Sachs through the 2008 financial crisis as its head of human capital, says, “It’s about listening. It’s about reaching out and letting them know that you were thinking of them and then give them the space to talk about their grief.“ This is a tough one for us A-types and advisors who want to quickly move from point A to point B. But sadness and other emotions do not stem from the logical parts of our brain so approaching the situation with logic and reason and solutions isn’t always the best option.
Build trust through touchstone memories. Have you encouraged and shown care so that when you reach out now, your presence can lift? And when making tough decisions, do people trust that you are doing it with greatest compassion? Trust is built in moments, and it’s never too early nor too late to create those memories.Create opportunities for celebrations so that your presence becomes a touchstone of better times past and a reminder of better days forward.
Create a "battle rhythm" of communications. During World War II, King George VI’s regular addresses and President Franklin Roosevelt’s weekly fireside chats assuaged their grieving nations and inspired hope. Currently, leaders from startups to major corporations have taken to pen or video to share their personal reflections and work through their own feelings. Regular authentic communications are a source of assurance, with work colleagues, friends, and extended family.